Axl Rose and Lana Del Rey are dating and I went H.A.M. on both of them.
Here is but an excerpt.
Axl. Dude. Just stop. Guns ‘N Roses hasn’t been a band since 1991. That was 21 years ago. You need to let it go, record an acoustic album, and own a winery already. Stop it with the ripped jeans, the fucking facial hair, and the big hats. You had fame and relevance and now it is gone. Get a baseball hat and some slacks. You’re embarrassing yourself. Nobody bought “Chinese Democracy,” and nobody likes you anymore with the exception of the nostalgia circuit. Honestly, man, you need to adapt to these times. Watching you is like watching Mickey Rourke in the last ten minutes of The Wrestler. And Lana. Lana! Where do I even begin? You rode in on a wave of hype so gargantuan that when the album finally dropped it wasn’t just ‘a bad album’ – it was A Bad Album Released By A Major Label Answer To ‘Who Is The Hipster Rihanna’? Your album was literally terrifying to listen to – with more yelps and purring than a burlap sack full of puppies and kittens in the back seat of a car in the garage with the engine running and the doors and windows sealed. Which is to say that kittens and puppies dying would have made a better recording. Lana – you are the singing equivalent of a bagel. There are many like you. Your orchestrated hype, while cloying, is also slick: an epic hatefest on the internet has turned you from “shit singer” to “interesting shit singer.” And now you’ve capped it all off by schtooping Axl Rose? Axl Rose hasn’t done anything relevant since the early ’90s and Lana hasn’t done anything relevant other than show up to the party, so the coupling actually makes sense in a “when you combine shit and poo in a bag, it’s all shit anyway” sort of way.
(via Axl Rose and Lana Del Rey are dating because god is dead | Death and Taxes)